I’m sure I’ll add more as I have time, but I felt like I needed to add something this morning.
I write all of this in the blog to hopefully help someone who has stood exactly where I have in the past. I try to keep it light-hearted when I can, make it funny, too, if at all possible.
But the truth is that the addiction hurts me even years later.
This isn’t just a “SIMPLE” affair where you can easily say, “Wow, you’re a bad person. How can I love you when I obvioulsy don’t trust you?” It’s not like that at all.
This person has chosen a THING over you. A THING! The person you loved has decided that you’re attempts at loving them are not love at all to them and think you are, in fact, bull crap. A poison in their life. If you loved them, why would you be trying to do this to them. (You know, want them to be alive and not kill anyone. How dare I?)
You see, I loved this person. L-O-V-E-D this person. But, as time passes, I realize I was in love with a facade. A front that was put up to interest me, to attract me, to sell me on the ideal that this was the person for me. It takes a lot of work to cover up an addiction and hide it for just long enough.
I was thinking about all of this again this morning as I had breakfast at a place I go to from time-to-time. Nothing overly special about it. However, it turns out in the end that there was something special about it. Didn’t really put two and two together until today. It’s the last place we ate a meal together. Well, attempted to eat a meal. She was so withdrawn I had to go in to get the food and bring it out to the car. Even the parking spot I park in is the same one I parked in that last night. And I’ll tell you, that until this morning, I didn’t realize I’ve been parking in the exact same spot every time since.
Folks, it’s been two years now since that night. Although I’m not physically hurting years later, I’m definitely still hurting in other ways. From going from someone who was always the most optimistic person in the room to someone who is now pretty skeptical of most situations, I can assure you it doesn’t just hurt the addict.
I was listening to a recording I have where she talks about how she thought I was having a problem with it all back then because I was feeling guilty. She actually used the words, “I truly think he feels bad because he is the enabler in our relationship.” Do you want to know how hard it is to hear those words, from that mouth, years later… when you can still hear the person declare in public that they are not an alcoholic and I’m the one with the problem.
So yeah, it hurts others. You want to tell me to, “get over it,” or “let it go,” don’t ya? Guess what? I don’t hold on to it. The addiction makes it a part of you that you simply have to learn to live with every day.